Two cats… talking to themselves

Two cats… talking to themselves.

Hearts Torn Asunder

From Arizona– a real reminder of our love for our ‘other kids’! Much sadness!

Ray the Vicktory Dog

10675804_762358487145857_1212574395730090606_n Ray and his dad …so much love

It is with the deepest sorrow that I have to report that our beautiful, loving boy crossed the Rainbow Bridge last night somewhere around 11:00 p.m.  His doctor called, and I knew when I saw the number what had happened. Apparently Ray threw a blood clot, and it killed him very quickly.  My only consolation, since I was unable to say goodbye, was that he passed in the arms of a vet tech, baptized by her kisses and tears.  Ray was a very loved dog.

I never, ever felt as if Ray were just our dog.  From the very beginning he showed that he was more than just a pet.  It was as if he felt he had a mission to meet and touch as many people as he could.  When we would be having lunch on the deck he would watch intently…

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Two cats… talking to themselves

Hmm Facebook huh? Right!

This little bloggy – blurb should & very might be rated R, PG-15 or ‘not appropriate for some’. Excuse me for that, I mean no ill will. Some will like & some won’t. I can’t please everyone all the time, or so I’m told.

Off & on I am made aware of ‘self talk’. Very often I find myself speaking aloud &for the majority of ‘my’ talk, the only ones that hear me have four legs, my beloved cats. Most times, I may utter an occasional ‘ohhh sh!t’, ”damn it all I forgot XYZ again’ or the ever so rare ‘F’ bomb. Trying to use the new ‘shut the front door’ BUT, that doesn’t quite punch out the same! I assure you that I didn’t spend my toddler hood throwing ‘F’ bombs around although I did some throwing of a physical sense. Ask my parents… OR BETTER YET: imagine!

Among…

View original post 1,044 more words

Two cats… talking to themselves

This little bloggy – blurb should & very might be rated R, PG-15 or ‘not appropriate for some’. Excuse me for that, I mean no ill will. Some will like & some won’t. I can’t please everyone all the time, or so I’m told.

Off & on I am made aware of ‘self talk’. Very often I find myself speaking aloud &for the majority of ‘my’ talk, the only ones that hear me have four legs, my beloved cats. Most times, I may utter an occasional ‘ohhh sh!t’, ”damn it all I forgot XYZ again’ or the ever so rare ‘F’ bomb. Trying to use the new ‘shut the front door’ BUT, that doesn’t quite punch out the same! I assure you that I didn’t spend my toddler hood throwing ‘F’ bombs around although I did some throwing of a physical sense. Ask my parents… OR BETTER YET: imagine!

Among my privately spoken self rants, I am sure that both of my cats are purely confused, as well they should be! I noticed a bit ago & as usual when I went to make a cup of coffee. Skippy is my near 17 y/o diabetic/non speaking orange/white tiger was sitting in his usual spot, in front of his food dish.(Precious is the ‘other one’, 10 y/o part torti with a yawl that sounds like she lost her mind, whatever that may sound like). Skippy is very patient at times, he may sit there for hours, staring into the bowl as if someone’s down cellar magically opening a secret flap in the floor & fill his already half full dish. Besides that very important fact, there’s a soft & rather comfy little rug in front of the feeding station- he might just be comfortable! Often times on my trips past Skippy’s favorite sitting-spot, some words that slip from my lips aren’t very nice, kind nor ‘purrty’ ones. Also, those ‘said said words’ are NOT directed at or toward anyone or anything- they’re merely WORDS. I am getting to the explanation of confusion by my cats, honestly I am. Would anyone believe, or maybe not, that my cats are saints in a sense? that they, who have done nothing but give love & comfort, dig the sides of the couch or whatever is in whatever spot they feel like digging…. & leave me the bundle of- yes I shall say it, puke here or there & even a rare turd & or skid mark…..
Yes my cats are religious in a MATTER Of MY own speaking. I’ve really put a lot of effort into not taking ‘HIS’ name in vain & when I DO so, it surely isn’t out of hatred of the Lord whatsoever, shall I call it ‘familial’? Were you aware that Jesus had a middle initial by the letter of ‘H’? Or, another middle is ‘Jumped up’??. Go figure. That certainly isn’t what I was taught in Catechism! Anyhow back to the cats, the poor lil things. Skippy’s still sitting there as a ‘Sh!t’ or ‘F..K’ and yes I admit to uttering words being that of ‘Jesus H’ or ‘Jumped-up Christ’! There it is! Why, why I ask, Why would he NOT assume he was a cat by another name? (Deep sigh) I do believe in God- I do I do & this really isn’t about Him or religion, again that’s not the issue. It’s what I say, when I say it & where & HOW that is!  Ok, so Skippy is also called Jesus. Meaning that I somehow shut the front door & yes, maybe I didn’t recall his mid/afternoon mini meal, what the heck? Ever so swiftly I grab that can of his favorite cat food & mix in a teaspoon or so, into what was left of whatever meal was last.

Now Precious. That girl’s GOTTA feel like crap because that’s exactly what I say when she eats too fast & or eats some of Skippy’s ‘special’ food. After doing so I hear her retching in the living room & yes I know the difference Yuck, to me anyhow,  diabetic food used to taste — saccharine like, to me, I can only imagine what it tasted like to a cat.  A cat that wasn’t diabetic, that is! (lol)

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4/29/15

So, in essence, my cats come to nearly everything I say. Shit! Oh Jesus! OMFW! Why would they not, NOT feel very special at that, might I add?  Light bulb flashed: This may just be the reason that Tiger (outdoor stray turned almost indoor cat but precious won’t leave his ass alone cat) doesn’t come to my calling his name.  If, by chance, you live in the neighborhood & you see or hear someone hollering “JESUS H CHRIST”, be assured I am calling my cat, not swearing, noooo not me, nor am I crazy. again. yet.  Or be afraid, very afraid!    *snicker*

Skippy passed away late January 23rd (2015). I noticed that last week that his health was deteriorating & doing so rather quickly.  He meowed, something he rarely did; he’d go to the bathroom which was coldest in the house & look at the tub or lie on the floor… He even managed somehow to jump onto the counter in the kitchen. I truly feel that he was looking for a way out, to die alone.  Also Skippy was experiencing many issues resulting from both old age & diabetes.  He couldn’t walk well across the room without lying down, very wobbly.  Skip was performing very oddly & yes, very very sadly.  I called the vet who asked us to bring him in at 4:30.  Dr Rob told us that — he could re hydrate Skippy, up his insulin …..& I’d probably be back in the am, that’s how sick he was. So Charlie & I talked things over, cried, said good bye many times, bawled some more & said our final good byes as we walked out the door of the Animal Hospital.  What a long night that was, sleeping without Skippy on the bed with us.  We always always could tell the difference between he & Precious jumping on the bed!  Since Skippy had gotten older I had placed several types of steps here & there to help him in his jumping, or lack thereof.  He’d clear the first step, an overturned crate, got onto the larger crate & sort of stared at us from afoot.  Those eyes, I could feel them glaring a hole in my feet!  Skippy was used to sleeping his day time nap with ‘daddy’, & with me there, let’s just say with daddy, me, Precious & Skippy together on & in the bed, it made for some really strange bedfellows. Not to mention,  tugging of blankets & the occasional flop on the floor.  I’d pick myself up & shake…. Rather one of the cats would jump off or roll off in a flip over by dad or myself, unbeknownst to us until we heard the ‘kerplunk’ on the floor & sleepily… apologized as whichever cat walked away, tail a snap-shaking, utterly angry.

I plan to follow up on Skippy’s life when I can……..

Facebook, life & all that jazz

Facebook, life & all that jazz.

Facebook, life & all that jazz

“When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things – not the great occasions – that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.”

― Bob Hope
Sure thing, Bob.
thanks for that/

Some days I sit & think. Yes, I DO do that, at times, lol. For instance-take Facebook. Really, take it. I joined the rest of the ants to climb on this new hill, as if we all don’t have a thing in the world to do. Nothing. Seriously. Back to the climb. I joined Facebook in 2008-2009, as I recall, my last grandbabe was born in 09 & I recall uploading 4D ultrasounds. Ok, climbing! So I create my account, edit & publish my profile, even add a picture or two, just to prove -to me- that it COULD be done & YES I can do it!! Wiping the sand from my feet, I spent days looking the site over, played a few games, saw some very cool posts of various kinds be it a picture of a nail or someone’s posting of what weather they were experiencing at that time, someone else popped in a picture of a sunset that she took herself, along with occasional bantering of friends taking about trivial topics, as in what they watched at the matinee over the weekend. It’s a nice summer day so I posted some silly little line which I thought, at the time, was a very mindful post & halfheartedly expected at least a couple of likes. EEhhh! Wrong, no comments, no likes. Just the thing, some 1 shared a funny picture with a humble saying so I shared that as well, that’ll get liked for sure. Wrong again. To hell with them all anyways, I felt like I was trotting around that familiar tree again, waiting for the horse to stop. My ‘friends’ list, by the way, just so happens to have mostly relatives & ‘friends’ that I went to school with, way back in the day. What does that mean, lol. Anyhow, what in bloody hell did I expect?? These people, my so called friends? I had two that posted after me a couple times then go back & delete their posts. What? really? How should I plan on welcoming arms of these people who had absolutely no use for me when I was around? What made me think that’d change a damn thing? The most of them probably only wanted to see what I was up to, nose me out then minimize my visibility to them, I know the sun-sa bitches..Ha ha! Like what changed in the last, oh say 38-40 years? Some of them got rich-er, older, fatter & just plain nosier. Got a relative-near 10yrs older than I, but I swear to God if I ever posted anything of any relevance especially to the family, she’d run to call her mom to tell her what I wrote, who then called my OWN mother telling her I don’t even want to know what, but I had Mom on the other end of the phone asking me all but what the f*** did you post, Lisa? you said WHAT? Soon after that I blocked her ass, that’s what I did, just long enough for my mother to drop little hints like ‘ so & so hasn’t heard a thing from you’ Hmm no fricking wonder. I then learned that the less I ‘said’, the less that the cousin would ‘tell on me’, just like when I was a damn kid! Holy moley, some days I wanted to scream in there. I played my mindless droning game & eventually went straight to the game site to over pass Facebook altogether, lest a daughter in law ask me if I’d seen this or that. Friends. Sure they are. Like that day last October & I was upset. They say people want to befriend you to support you, care for & even love you. They comment about their kids, pets, husbands or lack of, commiserate over newborn to elderly, from cats to monkeys. But let me state a comment that maybe I could use a little ‘like’ or 2 or even get an air- hug-hell no. Humph! It’s a cold day alone in Facebook land sitting there talking to myself is only pissing ME off while George over there probably laughs his ass off or lmao, as he would LIKE to write but hasn’t got the proverbial balls to do so he says simply: sorry, or😦 at the most. Would it hurt the bastards to ask me-private message me if I am really ok, & mean it? Hell, no sir! All over again. What else did I expect, a life changing revelation come over all these folk, like they saw what I did, followed my every move & saw the good things as well as the not-so-good things? Nope. They DO notice when I don’t answer for a few days or give the random ‘happy birthday to you’ posts. Well! Who the hell does she think SHE is, the thief?! Mind you, they hid their last dead body or skeleton in their KIDS closets, for them to be caught, the smart asses! Never did they compare or measure or see that the road I took often wasn’t the road that I chose…I kinda landed there & -went from there. I was adjustable back then, lol, I could adapt to any circumstance like the chameleon changing her colors. Now, not so much. I seem to dislike change, it smacks me up side of the head like a cream pie thrown in one’s face. Well do I HAVE to go through that? yes, my dear, you must get through it to get to it.  See? Is there hope or woe. Hmm…

I look down on my left & there sat my 2 cats, looking at me like they hadn’t eaten a thing all morning. MORNING?? It’s 3:00 in the afternoon for crying out loud! Poor little things I wonder how long they set there, I do recall one of them rubbing against my leg but golly they seem to be rather irate with each other. OmG I nearly missed it when Skippy opened his big assed mouth and put that, as wide as he opened it, around Precious’ neck!! Sheezus like I have all day to frig around with a fight. Get ta hell off her Skippy!! GO LAY DOWN!! Easy girl, get a grip here, all they want is a simple pat on the head, a treat or – WHAT do you know- SUPPER?!! Be still child…. says my good girl on my shoulder.  You are really going to cherish these days in a couple of – months, maybe a year– Skippy hasn’t been feeling well at all, hobbling to get his morsels in the morning has gotten to be a hard process for him.  His legs are stiff, he walks in a way that reminds me of an old horse, head bobbing as his body adjusts to the floor & him standing. It’s okay, Lis, he’s getting old & we know he’s not long for this world.  Yet I ashamedly still find ME angry at him, pissed that he’s getting old!

Today… I talked with a certain person on the phone, telling me something that my son’s girlfriend was helping him with or some such nonsense. Good, I thought, it’s cool seeing my kid happy for a change. I suppose this person noticed my tone of voice, being meek, lifeless or sounding flat. Been that way since yesterday or before, whoopti do. A couple hours later the person called me back asking that I NOT post what we previously spoke about onto Facebook, lest someone else getting their feelings hurt or notice that………………what???? Post it?? Do I post when I take a crap? Some people will never understand, ever. Explaining that these ‘people’ had to be my friends to see what I posted, by the way, & again, I don’t even hit facebook much at all except for the game. So no, mom I didn’t write anything, honest, I hardly go INTO Facebook! (raising my hand as usual) *Sniff* What’s wrong-? Why are you sniffling? Do you see your therapist today? are you going? No, my appointment’s ON THURSDAYS! Dammitall. Well then, have you talked w/him? No, Ma. No I haven’t & I didn’t plan on it. So there she got me. *So does everyone else, yes, the person calling was my mom* The tears were coming, I tried to hold them back yet I was both rip zipping pissed & maybe a tad miffed. Huh, I thought….I’ve been MIFFED many a day lately!

may 14th, 2014
“hello”? I managed to squeak, seemingly a voice from with in me. I’d never heard THAT sound, not from me. I sounded like I had inhaled a balloon full of helium & maybe I felt like I did as well, I had just gotten home from the dentist, having all of my upper teeth removed that morning, surgically no less. I felt like a stick in a closet of balls, ready to hit if attacked. That’s a laugh, I really couldn’t fight my way out of a paper bag, plus I felt like I ate the damn thing. (yes the bag, lol) *Cough, AHem* Who’s this? ”This call is for ((COMPUTER voice, flatly))Leeza Tripper. If you’re NOT ‘LEEZA Tripper’, please hang up now. Leeza Tripper, you must call our office @ 1-800-who-cares from 8-AM to 7- PM.” For God’s sake. They call every week, the other insurance company we switched from. We got a better deal with ABC’s  Insurance enabling us to up our insurance coverage, for the first time in a long long time we are COVERED if someone throws an egg on the car or if our windshield does break!! Besides all that, BONUS!! Having renters insurance, something that we’d both wanted & needed for ages- added! The cost for renters insurance is just about $10- a month! That brief, warm feeling of that gas surrounded my brain once again, jarring me back to ‘the future’. Feeling the bandage/cotton/wadding in, on & around my gums made me want to stick my head under the faucet, turn on the water & let ‘er rip! Ahh just let the warm water flow over those gums. Looking in the mirror I nearly jumped, scaring myself. So THIS is how Mom & Dad felt….I Knew how they looked without teeth but never gave it another thought, of the pain that they each endured while having their OWN teeth out. As a matter of fact I can’t recall if I ever had that uh—experience, luxury, chance to experience it for they may have had it done either when I was ‘small’ or in school. Seems they, my parents, rarely told me anything & that is probably not a bad thing although it IS a sad thing. They rarely talked at all, much less talk with me. This is how they looked. I laughed a toothless, rather raw naked smile, feeling the pain settle back into my gums…………..

I HAVE to turn things around I JUST have to do something different!! Thinking of all of the alternatives, I hemmed & hawed enough, each day things were getting better & better & I was liking me a bit more each day! I lived & loved that fact, whether I want to believe it or not. One day I was doing mindless work on the plants, next thing I knew – I wasn’t thinking anything negative! I mean, even when the cat took that shit that stunk/stank/stinked up the house & made me nearly gag I WAS still in a great mood! I have to remember not to forget. that is an old saying thing between my mom & myself, used to be between my little grammie & me. I’d lost track of that phrase for close to 40 yrs~
I have to tell myself that I DID the best with what I had at the time, I was the best wife that I could have been, I was the best mother that I could have been , I was as good of a worker as the next person even better if you ask me, lol…. plus I was cleaner than I ever had been, & it came naturally. I used to revel in the fact that if one of the kids dropped their food on our kitchen floor that they could just simply pick it up & eat it. Hell I swept & mopped daily & waxed &stripped it off again at least once a week if not more. Those days are behind you, Lisa. I have to tell myself that, not as much as I used to but enough to make me aware that things have changed, not just ME changing but the world at a glance, if you will. I wasn’t perfect so why do I ever expect that from ME, now? I hear a LOT of my dad’s voice in my head making me feel less than, a LOT less than. I gotta plug my ears & close my eyes stick out my tongue & chant ‘NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH’ to release the thoughts, to trip that trigger in my brain.

Drama Queen/09.15.14

Soooooo it’s been brought to my attention but a few times, that I either am ‘drama’, cause ‘drama’. emit/emote ‘drama’, hell, just call me Drama.  So I’ll fix that little bit by punishing myself further-staying home, staying away, keeping more to myself if that’s possible.  Humph again!  Now just WHO did I expect to punish outta this shit- my ma, my kids? I made a sincere apology to Corey & he said basically things are what they alwys have been, just the drama I bring TO it. Ok I fixed this shit.  Now how many folks do I expect are sitting home. like me, thinking OF me being a drama queen at this very moment *& just HOW well DID I fix this shit?  It’s tiring me out. Hearing my kids talking about this or that & ‘didn’t want to call you, didn’t want you bawling & crying all over the hospital’ or some sort, was a comment a daughter in law made to me, after Holdan or Aidan had to go to the ER.  WhAAAAAAAAAT???? If my kids haven’t gotten the message or the headline that I am emotional, then ex-fucking scuse me!  I am passionate, compassionate, I care, maybe a tad much & I freely let or allow myself to express those feelings either by crying, laughing, calling someone or- talking to the nearest post about whats going on with me & my family- random comes to thought.  & for my kids to be ashamed of me for expressing myself? Hello? Fear scares the hell outta me! When I’m told bad news or something out of the norm of life I DO tend to lose it.  Hell I’m right on the edge anyhow, just blow & over I’ll fall…….. 

Those WERE the days, my friend-

Yes, they were the days.  key word being WERE.  I have tried to talk myself out of ‘owning’ the fact that I keep reverting back to 1980 something or other. I say & think, surely I am one of ‘those’ people that don’t live in the past. If I could boot my own ass I would, cuz I think I damn well took up residency in the 80’s-90’s..but paid only part time rent, lol!!

I often prided myself on how I’ve picked myself *& others* up by the belt loop, dusted off my ego & —-persevered.  SO WHAT? Am I the only one that has done that? will I be the last, will it BE my last time? No, probably not. Yet I go off & find myself back in time, mopping that damn floor so the kids can eat from it- those times.  & the many many times that I felt alone. In a room full of people, there I was, alone. 25-30 years later-here I am. Sitting in a room, now I AM alone.  The old saying rings true again, be careful of what you ask for, you just may get it.  I got it. I AM alone, in all reality due to the days of ole, drinking & sharing all of my ‘drink’, my $ my wisdom & my drunkenness! Or, should I say, drunken ASS?  Yes, I shared alot & recently decided that I’d best write some of the shit down, just a bit, to keep in case I want to run around that same tree again.  Why IS it so damned hard for me or anyone else to stay in the day, not dwell in the past?  I’ll tell you my reasons- not for the right reason but to cover my ass.  I lived what I lived, & I DID LIVE!!! Some of that living was pretty scary, & at the time I swore I’d ‘never be back’ I re visit those places whether I like it, want it or need it.  Having boys, I thought I was golden, cuz if I had a girl & she’d acted anything like me, well, the old saying goes.  Yet now that they’ve grown, gotten married & or into relationships & having families of their own *minus eldest,  as of yet*, I am reminded nearly daily of the mess that their dad & I made out of the whole thing.  I see it, with my kids.  Then off I go, back in time & wanting to share my supposed wisdom’s with the d-in law at the time, only to hear what I used to hear & say when I shared with my own mom.

 

I am not perfect but perceived myself as being a pariah. Not that I thought so at the time, but hearing me talking to these young ladies you’d have thought that I’d experienced everything there was! Hell I even shared wisdom on issues I had no business sharing on.  Say a subject come up that in the past I had done poorly in or at, but thinking I’d done ‘better’, it seemed that I demanded better from the girls!  With all of my supposed wit & wisdom, I managed to piss off whoever it was that I was ‘giving the talking-to’, giving wrong information, poor listening on my part nearly ended relationships……..

 

I love my family. I will tackle the facebook ish later. live & love well.